Ten Middling Philadelphia Bars (ok, five)

The Pennyslvania Avenue Best Western Hotel Bar
You can have a Fantasy Football draft here. Eat before you show; you don't want the two course meal of chicken fingers and where are my fries? They'll say they don't have pitchers but you just have to ask twice and press a bit, then they'll say they have pitchers but you and your friends have to get six of them if you want any. Don't ask where the pitchers were a minute ago or you'll have to buy ten. Then your only option is to say, "Tell you what we'll get a Baker's dozen," because they don't know what the hell that is.

Twelve Steps Down
Proximity is the great equalizer, but not that great.

Drinkers
Drinkers has good specials; it's cool if you come with a team. If you come alone or with a buddy with any ideas other than getting pissed for the next bar, well shit man step it up. I know the girls can be hot but after all the buildup you inevitably find out they live in Manayunk or freaking Conshohocken. I mean, my mom has a friend who wants me to impregnate her daughter but I'm not driving to goddamn Yardley. Still, the specials really are fantastic and the music is ok, considering the crowd. One small note of warning, if you're like me and don't really care what you're drinking because you had eight lagers before you left the house, don't say, "I'll have the same," after your friend orders one of those Heineken keg can specials. The two of you will look pretty stupid standing there with matching keg cans. Believe. (Everything I've said doesn't go for that grimy basement at the Old City Drinkers when it's almost pitch-black and they play "Lean Back" on eternal repeat. Someday, somethings really going to happen in there.)

Woody's
Baha JK

Twelve Steps Down, redux
If there's hardly any people at your bar, ever, even on a Saturday night, your beer should be cheap. I mean there's hardly even any doods. $3.50 for a Yuengling, even from 5-7? What is that fifty cents about? I understand that you spent all that money on the huge projector screen and no one told you that if the room isn't dark you can't see anything on a projector screen, but hey I got my own life, my own problems, I don't want to hear about your fuckups.