Hey journalists: Shut the fuck up about The Wire's media storyline

Disclaimer: If you don't watch The Wire, we'll continue our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

Last week, I made a tongue in cheek reference to the journalistic reaction to season 5 of The Wire in the "stuff to look forward to in 08" post. Since then, more reviews have come in examining the media storyline for season five. In addition to the Atlantic and the Baltimore Sun, both Slate and Philebrity have joined the discourse concerning the portrayal of the media. The overall gist of their assessments can be summarized as follows:

"Did you know that we're journalists, and some our friends our journalists too?"

We don't care. You want to say that you worked in a newsroom, and the style of dress was accurate? Great, because after watching season 2, the first thing I wanted to do was call a longshoreman and determine whether Horseface was wearing the right colored trousers. Again, we don't care.

You worked with such-and-such editor who once worked with Simon, and such-and-such Wire character obviously resembles him, which affects your enjoyment of the show? Well, guess what: I never fucking worked with that guy, and neither did the millions or so other viewers who watch the show. Save your personal anecdotes for your fellow journalists...We don't care.

You're a tv critic. Your job is tell the reader whether the season is good on its own terms. You are not to tell us whether the dialogue in the newsroom is bad because it's heavy on cliched newspeak based on your personal experiences; you are tell us it bad because it is poorly written dialogue, period. For example, I hated the line, "at the Baltimore Sun, god still resides in the details" for the same reasons I hated "American's are stupid people in general, we'll believe anything were told" line at the beginning of the episode: They are blunt statements intending to be profound in a show that accomplishes most of its goals by being subtle.

You also don't help your case by not quoting any actual lines to demonstrate how the newsroom dialogue is heavy-handed. That's just pure dismissive arrogance on your part and demeaning to your readers. "The dialogue is generic news dialogue, because I once worked in a newsroom and know how journalists speak". Fuck you.

Hey guys! You know what? I knew Naeem, aka MC Spank Rock, in High School! We hung out a bunch of times and talked music. Did you know he liked Brand Nubian and the Native Tongues collective? When listening to his music, I can't help but feel he's purposely abandoning the bohemian style he liked as a teenager, and as such, I can't enjoy his stuff as much as I should.

Did you find that last opinion enlightening? No??

Now you know how we feel.

You're a TV critic evaluating the quality of the show. If you're going to use your experience as a journalist to evaluate Season 5, how about we get cops to retroactively review season 1? Maybe let's get every pregnant-by-a-one-night-stand couple to review Knocked up? Or, better yet, how about we get retards to review the next re-release of Dogma on DVD?

Stick to the quality of the show on its own terms. Did the newsroom storyline detract from the overall plot? Well, I believe one of you said it did, but I honestly can't remember, because it was probably drowned out in the previous eight paragraphs about how you once had a beer with editor Bill Marrimow. Did you know one of my friends met him once?

Stuff to look forward to in 2008

Yeah, here's the stuff:

Michael Nutter: New Mayor of Philadelphia
























Michael Nutter: "No- centuries-old tradition of corruption and abuse perpetuated by thousands of individuals-you're out of line!!!"

Michael Nutter promises to be a reformist mayor who will end decades of Philadelphia machine politics and corruption. If I've learned anything from watching The Wire, however, it's that individuals cannot rise above the crippling limitations imposed on them by our beaucratic institutions. Since Mayor Nutter happens to be an individual, he will surely be a failure.

The Wire, Season 5

The most critically acclaimed TV show on...TV, has returned for its final season. From what I've seen, they're going to focus on the media and how it affects the social and politcal landscape of Baltimore.

As this critic and that critic have pointed out, Wire creator David Simon's years of experience at the Baltimore Sun may have negatively affected season 5. Indeed, Simon commited the cardinal sin of creative writing: Writing about what you know. Simon's extensive knowledge about how newspapers work will ultimately destroy the media storyline of season 5, ensuring the season's failure.

Gentrification in the Hawthorne Neighborhood

We live right at the border of the Bella Vista neighborhood in Hawthorne. Being that gentrification is an endless train that keeps on rolling, I'm sure a brunch place will open west of our apartment. This brunch place will probably serve some kind of crabs benedict, or a hybrid florentine-benedict dish with baby scallop grits. This dish will most likely contain some uneccesary spinach. I will still order it; I've got a benedict addiction. It will most likely be mediocre. Since I can't man-up and order pancakes, I'm a failure.