"I got a tickle in my anus!": The Tweener's Fall TV Roundup

Yeah, we know, a preview probably would have been more helpful, but hey, you get what you pay for. Here at The Tweener offices, we watch a ton of TV. I mean the TV is always on. But television shows? What, like Murphy Brown? CBS? Should I get tested for that?

Ok, I'm exaggerating. I don't mess with tests. And I do know a few shows, mostly those on HBO, which have two just plain safeco huge advantages over network shows. For one, they're on Sundays. I can remember Sundays. I wake up drunk, watch my footie then my football, and obsess over how badly I wish it was Saturday so I could run a do-over on last night and maybe remember the ethnicity of that man who was touching me. Out of the five shittier days of the week, Sunday I can remember. But Tuesday at 9pm? Please. I'm not an accountant for christ's sake. And secondly, NO GODDAMN COMMERCIALS. I'm no hobo, I've got a lot of channels; if you run a commercial on me, it won't be until the Predator blows himself up that I remember I forgot to check in with the remainder of My Name is Jason Lee and Dogma Sucked. This is why sports has the advantage: 1. you don't have to catch every damn second, 2. you can mute that junk and pump up the Bob Mould, 3. most tv shows are awful anyway. Still, though, we're trying, and when there are no football games on, no soccer games on, no basketball games on, no hockey games on, no baseball games on, no one wants to play Pro Evo, none of Barcelona, Aliens, Dave, The Hudsucker Proxy, Fear, The Departed (has a movie ever fallen from Oscar winner to crappy stoner flick faster?), The Squid and the Whale, Commando, Romancing the Stone, WALL STREET, Navy Seals, Kindergarten Cop, Last Days of Disco, Higher Learning, Metropolitan, Knocked Up, Annie Hall, or anything else on any of the movie channels, here are some shows we watch sometimes:

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: This one gets all the credit. It's brilliant. When I was sixteen, jokes about smoking tree almost always hit the spot. Now its jokes about cocaine. Who knew?

Friday Night Lights: I liked this show last year partly because it was free to watch online. I was annoyed when I heard it was going to be on Fridays at 9 or something this year, but I realized it actually works out well, because it's not like we go out until eleven anyway, the football scenes are better when drunk, and it shows that alcoholics, idiots, and paraplegics can get the hottest girls in school, which is pretty much the confidence I need on a Friday night.

30 Rock: Pretty funny. The posters in Tracy Morgan's dressing room are the real stars of the show.

Curb Your Enthusiasm: A bit formulaic by now but still hilarious in its sixth run. Don't miss the season finale last night!

The Wire: The best show ever returns in January. Until then, is Rasheed Wallace on tv somewhere?

Diary of the unemployed

9:30 am: Woken up by alarm, which you set for 9:30 because it is not too early, and not too late to make you look lazy. Plus; it gives you ample time to apply for jobs. The clock is placed far away from your bed to ensure you will have to get up to turn it off.

9:32 am: Finally succeed in making it over to the alarm to turn it off so you can go back to sleep.

10:37 am: Begrudgingly get up.

10:51 am: Make pot of coffee, and commence with the best part of your day: The first cigarette. It is savored because all subsequent cigarettes bring diminishing returns, or because you can't afford another pack.

11:01 am: With cup of coffee, surf the following websites if football season is going on: espn.com, footballoutsiders.com, deadspin.com, cnnsi.com, and your team's website.

If football season is not going on: espn.com (for other sports), footballoutsiders.com (in case there is an offseason article), deadspin.com (for other sports), and the following Gawker related sites: Gawker, wonkette, gridskipper, and deadspin (again). Also, take a look at Slate to get "real" news.

12:11 pm: Hunger calls. If you have ramen or easy mac at the house, eat it. If not, take a shower.

12:33 pm: If in Philly or Brooklyn, leave apartment to go to corner deli and get a reuben sandwich. If in Hyattsville, hop in the car and go to California tortilla or some bullshit equivalent. Even though it is only a mile away, it will still take you an hour and a half.

1:01 pm: You are now faced with the classic choice of unemployment: Apply for jobs, or frantically search for your roommates weed that you know he is hiding from you.

1:28 pm: Hidden in the cat food bag! Score!

1:40 pm: Ahhh, now what to do with your high? Grant Theft Auto? Whit Stillman movies? A short story?

1:51 pm: Finally settle on what to do: Surf the same websites you did three hours ago for new content.

2:04 pm: After finishing reading, pace around for the next hour wondering what would have happened if you had actually taken that hot indian/asian/canadian/insert exotic ethnicity girl to your senior year halloween party.

3:00 pm: 4 and a half hours into your day and you haven't applied for a single job. Spend the next half hour wondering why you continue this pattern every day.

3:39 pm: Finally start looking at jobs on Monster and Craigslist.

3:56 pm: Find a decent position on Monster, but it requires a cover letter; a big turnoff.

5:15 pm: Finish cover letter and send.

5:45 pm: Roommate gets home and notices unfinished weed in the bowl you forgot to clear out. Lie your ass off and consider not packing so much next time.

Editors note: Apologies to my former roommates Brandon and Owen.

A celebration of unemployment: Part 1, the resume

On Tuesday, I took a day off from work to interview people for one of my journalism classes. Since my interview fell through, I had a whole day to experience one of my favorite pastimes: Being unemployed. Since I graduated college in 04', I've developed a fairly decent unemployment resume:

Jobless Associate, Brooklyn, NY, August 04-early November 04
When I graduated in late May of 04, I made a half-assed decision to move to New York a week later and "I don't know, get a job in publishing or something". Unless you are completely ignorant, you can understand that is a terrible strategy. Unfortunately, I didn't sleep with anyone who could get me a job, and after the last temp assignment ended in August, it was a whole lot of nothing for an entire Fall before I moved back home to Baltimore (which only lasted a day before I got a job in DC. Remember that kiddies, you can get work in DC, that's why people actually live there.)

Unemployed Coordinator, Hyattsville, MD, February 2006-March 2006
Otherwise known at the "roaring 20s" of my unemployment experience, this stint in the DC suburb was awash in cash and decadence. After quitting my job on good terms, I took a step back, looked at my bank account and realized, "holy shit! my company forgot to deduct income taxes, possibly out of sheer incompetence!". I figured it was only a matter of time before the feds came after me, so I commenced to spending that money. you can guess what followed:

-Gambling binges in Atlantic City.
-Completely unnecessary deluxe suite at the Four Seasons hotel in Philly for Saint Paddy's day 06.
-An authentic Ed Reed jersey for my then-roommate Owen in compensation for stealing his adderrall to facilitate said gambling binges.
-Actually buying the paintings of friends.
-Possibly the most wasteful use of money in recorded history: Amtrak tickets.

To top it all off, I managed to secure a good job amidst all of this. After getting the job, however, things were more close to the vest. The lesson I take from that experience is this: If you ever have enough disposable cash to get an Acela Express roundtrip ticket, savor the moment.

Shitcanned Director, Philadelphia, September 06-November 06
Ah hem....That job I just mentioned that I got in March of 06? I did little except surf gridskipper until they fired me, but they were also a terrible company to work for and I apologize for nothing. I actually don't need to apologize anyway, because the guy who fired me is dead. How's your attempt to blackball me going in hell? bwahahahahahah.

Anyway, while the Hyatsville unemployment experience was fast and decadent, the Philly one was that of a wizened unemployment veteran taking his sweet time before going back to the world. Typical voicemail messages: "Hey Scott, we want you to interview to be part of this biz dev team"...NOPE. "Hey Scott, we have a Sales Associate position open"...NOPE. I also turned the tables on employers in the few interviews I did go to, asking them what kind of performance measures they had in place. You should've seen their startled faces.

The above paragraph was a total lie.

Eventually, I used this unemployment experience to apply to journalism school and settle on the job with the best payment-to-easy-work ratio.

Tomorrow: Diary of the unemployed.

You Could Really Get Hammered In Pittsburgh

Although I've only been there twice for a total of eleven days, I can say without reservation that while I don't LOVE Pittsburgh, I'm pretty firmly in like with it. I know everyone talks a lot of shit about provincialism, hard-working blue collar assholes, and smash-mouth football, but unless you're the kind of person who drives out to Tyler Park on the weekends, the most you're going to notice of that stuff is on the shuttle from the airport. From the campus area to Shady Side to the South Side, Pittsburgh is a lovely mix of jaundiced intellectualism and two-fisted, umm, smart-drinking. Just a few notes, maybe more after my next trip in April:

1) THE PITT ID: The University of Pittsburgh must be loaded, because every student's ID is like a golden candy wrapper that gets you endless free bus rides, free admission to all the museums - which are lovely - and a percentage off at lots of restaurants. They'll even give you a copy of Microsoft Vista if you have one. Seriously. The second easiest way to get one is probably to mug a drunken freshman on Forbes Ave late on a Friday night. The easiest is to be in their library science program.

2) CHEAP DRINKS: Maybe next time I'll break down individual bars, but the important note is that the drinks are cheep-cheep-cheep. Most bars there I can get a round of one Budweiser and one shot of Jameson for five bucks. I haven't yet and maybe never will remember the cab ride home from a Saturday night out in Pittsburgh. At the Garage Door Saloon - a fine establishment - some guy came up next to me and ordered a double rum and coke and a double red bull and vodka. Total price, Philadelphians and New Yorkers? 10 dollars. TEN FUCKING DOLLARS FOR FOUR SHOTS.

3) ARCHITECTURE: [serious Tweener] The architecture in Pittsburgh pretty much blows away the product in Philadelphia, and even New York, if consistency is the measure. They're helped by the hilly landscape and rivers, which offers interesting opportunities, but from the classic buildings to the modern and combos, almost every site is eye-catching, clean, and refreshing. Except that faux castle monstrosity along the river. [/serious Tweener]

Well, that concludes this sub-average post. Go to Pittsburgh, but remember that not every city's signature food is all that. Coleslaw and french fries on my sandwich? What is this Standard Tap circa 2027?

Mumia Abu Jamal: The Real Story

"Political power grows out the barrel of the gun"

-Mumia Abu-Jamal, Bob Marley, Chairman Mao, Stalin, Jesus, Bradley Noell of Sublime (attributed to him by fans)

Overview

Some say history is written by winners about the winning ways of the winsome. The story of the alleged murder of police officer Daniel Faulkner by Mumia Abu-Jamal in Philadelphia in 1981, however, is history written by a veritable rainbow coalition. Black Activists, Police officers, campus leftists, Pennsylvania prosecutors, Midwestern conservatives, French socialists, Mexican Playmakers, Zach De La Rocha and Woody Harelson: All have their own version of the events. None of these ninjas actually saw what happened, however, which is why I'm going to you the real story of what..........

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A Weekend Recap

1.) South Philly party on Friday. This marked the end of a succession of three straight weekends of parties with completely different crowds (hello popularity!). The first one was a mixture/tweener party, the second was a Rittenhouse WASP Halloween party, and the last was good ole' fashioned hipster throwdown at the house of former members of the defunct band, the Beat Jamz. I guess it's appropriate that the first party was the best. A comparison of these parties would be the basis for another post, but I do have one thought on the hipster party:

I never get drunk enough at them. Maybe it is the prospect of trying to keep things close to the vest in the face of these intimidating hipsters, what with their "t-shirts" and "electric instruments" ushering in a new paradigm of cool. More likely, however, is the fact that I never see people wasted at them. I think that this is a problem. If you provide a keg, you are producing a social contract that says it is ok to get at least a little ignorant. Why is nobody taking the bait? In fact, this milquetoast thing is getting on my nerves. I vow to completely blow-up the next party in a spectacular haze of black-outedness.

2.) Speaking of blowing things up, a friend notified me this weekend of the event that most likely inspired the Calexico DVD incident. Let's just say that although I still need a few additional details, I made it out of this one looking pretty good.

3.) Because we hardly got drunk at the party on Friday, we were able to watch the second half of the Arsenal-Man U match at Fado. Let me tell you: Standing in a bar at 9:00 am with hundreds of hungover American soccer fans is surreal. At first, you are surprised to hear everyone chanting the names of all the players, because up to that point, you've spent your entire time of soccer fandom talking about the sport with the one other person you've met that gives a shit about it. To hear an entire crowd of people fired up is pretty awesome. Even though Fado is a chain restaurant, they've carved out a pretty attractive niche with all the satellite soccer channels and the all-day Irish breakfast...Props to them.

4.) There was that other football game yesterday, featuring the one team that has a choker quarterback who only won a superbowl because his coach prays to god all the time, and the other team with the QB who is a father of a bunch of illegitimate children. Both teams played hard.

Red Bull Art of the Can

We just found out about the Red Bull Art of the Can exhibit at F.U.E.L. in Old City. It started on October 19th. This exhibit ends today, so hopefully I can make it out there in time.

Red Bull's slogan for this exhibit/competition: "what will a full can inspire you to create out of empty one?"...Genius. Let's face it: Americans love stimulants.

Back in the day, you had two things: Caffeine and cocaine. I guess Kerouac, Johnny Cash and all those beatnik guys also had some pseudo adderall junk that probably felt like Stackers 2. Nonetheless, the options were limited. Caffeine was the drug of the masses, cocaine the rich.

Nowadays, there are no lines to be drawn. Everyone from any walk-of-life is awash in the jaw-clenching pleasures of stimulants. First it was ginseng, then everyone realized ginseng did absolutely nothing, so ginseng was followed by the ADHD drug/energy drink revolution. As a result of this, people are multi-taskers these days. Seriously; Does anyone have just one job anymore? It's office job by day, grad school by night. House painter by day, skate-boarder by mid-day. Freelancer by morning, pizza delivery man by afternoon, noise band by early evening, adderrall dealer by late evening (to oneself).

There's a reason we all have multiple occupations: America is kicking our asses. Right now, you're probably burning both your bachelors diploma and a bunch of dollar bills in a makeshift fireplace because you can't afford heat. Our media, the institution which should be a watchdog against the government's efforts to erode the middle class, would rather humiliate you with articles like "People having more sex than you".

So you can't afford the heat, and you want to get out of America's kitchen. Good luck with that. The rest of the world can summarized as follows: The countries with good weather have shitty governments that will get you killed, and the countries with good governments have shitty weather and only five people total, all of whom are in Sigur Ros.

Stay in America.

And while you're in America, have a toast to the sheer amount of ways we can stay wired. So; take a keybump, break that concerta 30mg time release capsule, grab a vitamin energy, and I'll see you at that motherfucking Red Art of the Can Exhibit tonight*.

*I will absolutely not be there.