Out of nowhere, a dating advice post

For any of you who have ever had a hotmail account, you are probably aware of the various dating advice lists that MSN posts on its homepage seemingly everyday: "10 first date no-nos", "14 pitfalls in bed", "8 signs she's cheating on you with a short guy". These lists are about as useful as dick-flavored ice cream. They're filled obvious pointers such as "don't punch her in the face when you say hello", as well as empty platitudes like "just be confident". Even worse, they insult your common sense by bringing some "expert" psychologist to tell why talking incessantly about your ex-girlfriend on the first date is a bad thing...No really??

What a guy needs is a practical set of guidelines with strict steps to follow. Based on recent experience, I've made a set of ironclad rules that will help you in very specific situation:

How to order drinks on a drink date.

Let's get this out the way: The majority of women will tell that they want men to act like men. this means decisiveness. In this first drink date, you must display unwavering decisiveness, and it starts with how you order your drinks. Master this process, and you are on the road to a long and wonderful relationship where all of your decisions will eventually be undercut.

First of all, there is an unspoken rule about drink dates that both parties are required to follow: A two-round minimum. Two rounds of drinks on a normal pace will last about an hour to an hour and a half. If you meet up on a drink date and are disgusted by your date within the first half-hour, you are still obligated to go for two rounds. I guarantee there aren't two human beings in this universe who can't spend at least one hour together, no matter how unpleasant it may be. If you break this social contract, therefore, you are breaking the laws of civility. Unless of course, you are getting punched in the face by your date.

Second, as a guy, there's the issue of what drinks to order for yourself. No girly drinks (a given), but also no liquor on the rocks, because you don't want to give the impression that (1) you're an alcoholic, or (B) you're an old man. The exception is if you're an expert on scotch or vodka or something, but even that's pushing it. Reveal the eccentricity later.

Order hum-drum beers, or MAYBE mixed drinks. Again, you want your body language and your conversational skills to be judged on your early date, not your drink decisions to be endlessly nit-picked in her head.

Now to the difficult part:

Ordering past the two-drink minimum

Based on conversations with guys, here is the basic problem: When the server comes around and asks if you want another round, if you order and she declines, you end up nursing a beer for another half-hour while she watches. That's no fun. On the other hand, if you wait to see what decision she makes, or defer to her, you're going to be seen as indecisive and weak.

It's harsh to have your masculinity judged on such a minuscule decision, but it's a reality. Hell, a female co-worker of mine complained about this very thing a few hours ago.

Some girls might tell you, or you might be inclined to think yourself, that a cut-off at two drinks by the female is a sign of disinterest. From personal experience, I find that it's not true. There are myriad reasons for ending at two drinks, not the least of which is that drink dates aren't supposed to be marathon experiences anyway. Sometimes a girl is already attracted to you, and just wants a quick confirmation that you aren't an asshole (or some in cases, are) before she gets down. No need to sit around in a bar needlessly talking when both of you are ready to go.

No more digressions, however. Here is the rule:

If things are going well, always order the third drink

Don't wait for approval; just do it. Chances are she'll go along if she thinks are going as well as you do. If she doesn't order a drink, it may not make for ideal balance, but it's still better than looking indecisive.

NEVER, EVER, LOOK HER IN THE EYE FOR APPROVAL. Look, I'm pretty liberal, but I understand that on early dates, you should throw your PC conceptions of 21st century gender politics out the window. Almost 90% of women will throw out the "men should act like men" line out for the courting process. It's only later that concepts of balance come into play.

This decisiveness should be applied across all areas. Choosing restaurants, making physical moves, smoking a bowl even if she declines (god help you), and paying the bill. If you just go ahead and pay the bill on the first couple of dates, any decent girl will return the favor down the line. If she doesn't, you live in DC, and you should be planning on moving out.

For the next rule:

In general, do not bother past the third drink

Drinks should be no longer that two hours. Your standard answer when the server asks if you want a fourth round will be "check please", unless the girl jumps in and orders one before you do, though instances like that will be rare.

If drinks go longer than two hours, you risk stretching for conversational topics. You might end up telling some unflattering story about how you were addicted to adderal that one year you lived in Hyattsville, MD. Although girls sometimes are intrigued by guys with checkered pasts, you should follow the old creative writing adage: Show, not tell.

Even if the conversation is going extremely well, you should either call it a night, or move things to different location.

Since my advice in this post is confined to ordering drinks, and that's all the advice I will ever give because I really don't know shit, you are on your own after this point. I suggest finding a gimmick for getting her to your place. Perhaps you play guitar, or possess some black-and -white photos of Arizona? Do what you will, but to quote Roosh V, "if you don't make out on the first date, you have failed".

Columbus > Philadelphia

Ladies' 80s. More on that later. Have fun on the East Coast; you're more Dillard than Clark anyway.

Hey journalists: Shut the fuck up about The Wire's media storyline

Disclaimer: If you don't watch The Wire, we'll continue our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

Last week, I made a tongue in cheek reference to the journalistic reaction to season 5 of The Wire in the "stuff to look forward to in 08" post. Since then, more reviews have come in examining the media storyline for season five. In addition to the Atlantic and the Baltimore Sun, both Slate and Philebrity have joined the discourse concerning the portrayal of the media. The overall gist of their assessments can be summarized as follows:

"Did you know that we're journalists, and some our friends our journalists too?"

We don't care. You want to say that you worked in a newsroom, and the style of dress was accurate? Great, because after watching season 2, the first thing I wanted to do was call a longshoreman and determine whether Horseface was wearing the right colored trousers. Again, we don't care.

You worked with such-and-such editor who once worked with Simon, and such-and-such Wire character obviously resembles him, which affects your enjoyment of the show? Well, guess what: I never fucking worked with that guy, and neither did the millions or so other viewers who watch the show. Save your personal anecdotes for your fellow journalists...We don't care.

You're a tv critic. Your job is tell the reader whether the season is good on its own terms. You are not to tell us whether the dialogue in the newsroom is bad because it's heavy on cliched newspeak based on your personal experiences; you are tell us it bad because it is poorly written dialogue, period. For example, I hated the line, "at the Baltimore Sun, god still resides in the details" for the same reasons I hated "American's are stupid people in general, we'll believe anything were told" line at the beginning of the episode: They are blunt statements intending to be profound in a show that accomplishes most of its goals by being subtle.

You also don't help your case by not quoting any actual lines to demonstrate how the newsroom dialogue is heavy-handed. That's just pure dismissive arrogance on your part and demeaning to your readers. "The dialogue is generic news dialogue, because I once worked in a newsroom and know how journalists speak". Fuck you.

Hey guys! You know what? I knew Naeem, aka MC Spank Rock, in High School! We hung out a bunch of times and talked music. Did you know he liked Brand Nubian and the Native Tongues collective? When listening to his music, I can't help but feel he's purposely abandoning the bohemian style he liked as a teenager, and as such, I can't enjoy his stuff as much as I should.

Did you find that last opinion enlightening? No??

Now you know how we feel.

You're a TV critic evaluating the quality of the show. If you're going to use your experience as a journalist to evaluate Season 5, how about we get cops to retroactively review season 1? Maybe let's get every pregnant-by-a-one-night-stand couple to review Knocked up? Or, better yet, how about we get retards to review the next re-release of Dogma on DVD?

Stick to the quality of the show on its own terms. Did the newsroom storyline detract from the overall plot? Well, I believe one of you said it did, but I honestly can't remember, because it was probably drowned out in the previous eight paragraphs about how you once had a beer with editor Bill Marrimow. Did you know one of my friends met him once?

This roach infestation kind of reminds me of GangStarr Pt. 2

Where we left off yesterday, I was talking indirectly about how GangStarr had survived the Hip-Hop game by remaining underground: Chopping their samples to avoid getting sued, gaining enough of a cult following to stay afloat financially, and being admired by other respected hip-hop artists.

Like DJ premier said, this existence is kind of like that of a roach. Most roaches stay behind the walls, out of public view in a protected position. They seem to survive no matter what you throw at them, but they tend to scatter away when you shine the spotlight at them.

The problem with this hypothesis is that both DJ Premier and the roaches in my kitchen are full of shit. GangStarr has produced three gold records. They may not be super mainstream, but they are sure as hell aren't Aceyalone. Furthermore, DJ Premier doesn't stray from the spotlight, as he's produced beats for Jay-Z, Biggie and Common. So; appropriately enough, as I turn on the light in my kitchen, those fucking roaches aren't moving, but basking in the light. They are joyously gnawing on the leftovers of my Portuguese chicken like Premier producing an inconsequential remix for Janet Jackson. What a bunch of hypocrites: It's so cool to be underground until someone who matters throws you a (chicken) bone, isn't it?

So, I'm gonna treat these roaches like contemporary hip-hop artists treat Premier: Well-respected has-beens, with no food scraps (ie b-sides or filler tracks) being thrown at them whatsoever. That way, the roaches can go ahead and make their own album, but if it's as tedious as the Ownerz, they might as well retire and live in the memory of Kanye West shoutouts.

As for Guru, his solo career reminds me of the roaches in my room. Sure, they can survive on food crumbs and jazzamatazz albums, but as soon as my cat runs into the room (Rakim anyone?), they scatter away OUT OF RESPECT.

This roach infestation kind of reminds me of GangStarr Pt. 1

Recently, Roaches have invaded and multiplied in both our kitchen and my bedroom. I was planning on fighting a multiple front battle, complete with traps, cleaning, and assorted poisons, much like the Great Fly Elimination Campaign of Summer 2007, but suddenly I recalled the raspy, confrontational words of a self-appointed roach master, DJ Premier of GangStarr, and reached a moment of clarity.

I can hear you freaking out now: "WHAT?!? When did DJ Premier compare himself to a roach?" or perhaps more accurately, "who's DJ Premier?". Patience, my friends, as these answers reveal themselves through the chopped samples, monotone rhymes, and most importantly, self-righteous skits of Gang Starr. Let's have a look:

The backdrop: Ten years into the game, GangStarr releases their fourth album, 1998's "Moment of Truth". GangStarr is composed of two people: Guru, an MC from Boston, and DJ Premier, a producer from Texas. The group started their career in New York City, and they have constantly pretended as if they were actually from there. Up until the release of "Moment of Truth", they had achieved great critical acclaim and "street cred", but little commercial success. The "street cred" part is key, because during the 1990s, about 847 different rap groups achieved critical acclaim without sales, and 821 of these critically acclaimed groups were actually terrible, but were acclaimed nonetheless because they rapped about 'conscious' issues such as Malcolm X, Malcolm X's lieutenants, Marcus Garvey, Marcus Garvey's lieutenants, and having "mind sex".

The Song: The fourth song on "Moment of Truth" is the single, "Royalty". Instead of describing the song myself, I will theorize as to what one of my music theory professors would've done if they heard this song: After about fifteen seconds, they would start rambling incoherently about the "Spice'd Girls", then disappear from public consciousness. By the way, that's all classical music theory professors do: Compare their music with the Spice Girls, no matter what year it is. It's really kind of sad. they are trying so hard to connect their obsolete craft with young people, but they reveal their hand so blatantly by not being able to recall one single artist of the last twenty years except the most obviously fad-based and fraudulent. Way to take a stand with your art by picking on the easiest of targets. You know what would've hooked me? Showing up in class the first day and shitting on Loveless for fifty straight minutes. I'd be playing fucking Schumann recitals on piano right now.

Oh shit!? You what would've been even better, if my professor showed up the first day and was like "wah wha look at me, I'm an indie rock musician, I don't need that faggy theory" and started playing two chords and singing really horribly, than proceeded to spit on everyone. This would've only amused me, though, as everyone in that intro class was a culturally deficient idiot trying to get their math requirement out of the way. I, however, was THE ONE STUDENT WHO COULD BE SAVED.

Anyway, "Royalty" ends with a monologue by DJ Premier.

The monologue: DJ premier is all fired up or something. Apparently, some "break record" cats have been taking the songs GangStarr samples and pressing them into records to play at clubs. DJ Premier is incensed that these DJs then list GangStarr as the original sampler of the song on the sleeves of these records.

Are you confused? Let's break it down: GangStarr samples songs to make beats, but the beat can't obviously sound like the original song, or else the group will be liable to a lawsuit by the publisher of the original song (a note on this: The original songwriter usually doesn't give a fuck about the sample, just the shithead publishers). DJ Premier employs a technique to subvert these sampling laws: He "chops" or "stabs" the orginal song into an unrecognizable stew. Usually, these "chops" are mere seconds of the original song looped to infinity.

After chopping these songs, GangStarr puts out an album. Meanwhile, the hip-hop world is filled with DJs who are constantly looking for the original songs that groups like GangStarr sample to add to their collection. Why, you ask? Because DJs have to play sets where they need to keep the crowd dancing for a long time, AND have good transition material. Hip-hop artists tend to sample beats from songs that contain long instrumental breaks, so it is in the best interest for the DJ to discover these original samples as a way to add strength to the variety of his/her collection and have long instrumental beats to keep people dancing and aid transitions.

What these DJs do, however, is list GangStarr as the original sampler of the song on these instrumental break records they put out. This is essentially violating a code of honor, as now GangStarr have been "outed" for sampling a song that was previously unrecognizable to the average listener. DJ Premier rants against this violation, then drops this line:

"We'll continue to stay in the underground. We're like roaches: Never dying, always living"

Tomorrow, we reveal the conclusion of the roaches/GangStarr analogy and how it relates infestation at The Tweener head office.

CNN's Guide to Covering the Iowa Caucuseses

Point of Emphasis 1: Analysts

All of em; as many as you can find of varied pigment concentration and jaw strength. Four for every anchor, including but not limited to one bow-tie, one wheelchair/palsy case, two nappy headed hos, Taylor Nichols and three Harvard boys (can we get M.I.A?). Arranged in sets of three or four around tables conveniently arranged so Wolf Blitzer or Anderson Cooper can navigate among them asking the same questions. Two out of three should be young and/or dim-witted making the esteemed third seem wise in comparison. Bill Bennett is not to be cut off.

Point of Emphasis 2: Pie Charts

Specifically, computer-generated 3-D pie charts that spring awkwardly from a card-board contraption that Anderson Cooper can try to hold in a way that doesn't obscure the important analysts and still say, "Soloman Flores," - a woman - "your opinions?" and ignore the answer. It's important that the 3-D pie chart doesn't have more information than the regular pie chart because people might get confused. When the 3-D chart is unavailable, resort to two dimensions or one (via coaxial cable/stormtroopers).

Point of Emphasis 3: Explain the Explanations

When people think of caucuses, they think of bugs. Break it down for them. If a candidate doesn't receive 15% of the original caucus vote, those voters have to pick another candidate to give their vote to. NOT EASY ENOUGH. Think of the votes as chips, or "quarter-widgets", in a pool from which qualified Americans can cast or allocate their vote to said chosen candidate as long as they oscillate above the threshold of eligibility whereupon if they fall short, our gambling Democrats or Republicans, depending, must re-up in the direction of an eligible Trung Canidate, whose promise for the Saint Louis Rams in the 2002 campaign was never realized in further pursuits but whose Madden rating can be boosted if enough "Superstar points" are allocated forthwith.

Point of Emphasis 4: Call the Under-dog Candidates "Insurgents"

Keeps everyone on their toes.

Stuff to look forward to in 2008

Yeah, here's the stuff:

Michael Nutter: New Mayor of Philadelphia
























Michael Nutter: "No- centuries-old tradition of corruption and abuse perpetuated by thousands of individuals-you're out of line!!!"

Michael Nutter promises to be a reformist mayor who will end decades of Philadelphia machine politics and corruption. If I've learned anything from watching The Wire, however, it's that individuals cannot rise above the crippling limitations imposed on them by our beaucratic institutions. Since Mayor Nutter happens to be an individual, he will surely be a failure.

The Wire, Season 5

The most critically acclaimed TV show on...TV, has returned for its final season. From what I've seen, they're going to focus on the media and how it affects the social and politcal landscape of Baltimore.

As this critic and that critic have pointed out, Wire creator David Simon's years of experience at the Baltimore Sun may have negatively affected season 5. Indeed, Simon commited the cardinal sin of creative writing: Writing about what you know. Simon's extensive knowledge about how newspapers work will ultimately destroy the media storyline of season 5, ensuring the season's failure.

Gentrification in the Hawthorne Neighborhood

We live right at the border of the Bella Vista neighborhood in Hawthorne. Being that gentrification is an endless train that keeps on rolling, I'm sure a brunch place will open west of our apartment. This brunch place will probably serve some kind of crabs benedict, or a hybrid florentine-benedict dish with baby scallop grits. This dish will most likely contain some uneccesary spinach. I will still order it; I've got a benedict addiction. It will most likely be mediocre. Since I can't man-up and order pancakes, I'm a failure.