No offense, but...

I don’t mean to be disrespectful or anything, but your essay writing skills need a little work.

I’m not trying to be an asshole here, but could you move your car a couple of feet forward so I can get out?

Sorry; I hate to be rude, but I don’t like your fake tan.

Not to ruffle feathers or anything, but please never sing again.

I don’t mean to be a dick, but can you get the fuck out of my party, faggot?

I’m sorry if I’m coming across as a smidgeon disrespectful, but the bombs will land on your capital in 24 hours.

No offense, but I only smashed your glasses because I thought you were ripping us off of our coke.

I don’t mean to rock the boat here, but this coke is actually crack. That’s not exactly what we were looking for.

I’m not trying to offend anyone here, but I’ve always believed that I was secretly better than all of you.

I don’t mean to undermine the general consensus of American tastemakers, but Little Miss Sunshine was a weak ass movie.

I don’t mean to crush your hopes or anything, but you’re gonna lose this election...Guaranteed.

Sorry if I hurt you when I cut off all communications with you for no reason at all. I guess if I were in your shoes, I would be a little upset...I guess.

I don’t mean to piss on Dylan Thomas’ grave or anything, but here I am, urinating.

Recession Related Activities in Philadelphia Pt. 2

1. Visit Chris’s Jazz Café and Ortlieb’s.

What does jazz music have to do with a recession? Let me explain: In the period between 1945-1960, jazz clubs flourished throughout Philadelphia. On Columbia Avenue in North Philly (now Cecil B. Moore), there was a club on every block between 2nd and 33rd street. In fact, the stretch was once called ‘Black Broadway’ (DC residents might recognize that nickname; it belonged to U Street as well). There were also jazz clubs throughout South Street and Bainbridge, as well as West Philly.

Starting in the mid-1950s, middle-class black and white families moved out to the suburbs. Real estate speculators cut the houses into sections to accommodate lower income residents. As a result, less property taxes were paid, which meant worse schools, less businesses, and more poorly maintained neighborhoods. Crime increased, which was met with a corresponding police presence. A riot occurred in 1964 on Columbia Ave due to racial tensions between black residents and the police. As a result of this riot, as well as most riots that occurred throughout major cities in the 60s, urban neighborhoods went into steep decline (the riots of course were the end, not the means). Neighborhood jazz music as we knew it ceased to exist.

Possibly a better explanation for all of this is that jazz music was hard as shit to play, and new styles of music weren’t. The sub-genres of be-bop, hard bop and modal were intellectual genres (the previous swing era wasn’t), and required a lot of dexterity. Conversely at the time, R&B and Rock ‘n’ Roll required less skill.

Jazz is known as folk music, which I don’t argue with, but it’s got be the most ridiculously difficult folk music in history. You don’t see fifty year old white fathers playing jazz at some reunion barbeque, like you would with blues music. As a result, jazz is deadest of dead American folk genres. It is no longer playable or economically viable. It has receded into memory due to a combination of urban decline and public indifference.

Some hippie might want to chime in and yell “but Scott! Soulive! The Bad Plus!” Soulive is funk wrapped up in bullshit, and nobody cares about the Bad Plus. In fact, I’m probably just objecting to myself here.

So, go ahead and see live jazz at one of the two venues left in Philly. You will find out that instrumental soloing isn’t the worst thing in history, which you’ve been brought up to believe. Than again, I can’t blame you, because if you had to listen to the same jam bands I was subjected to growing up, you too would want to install a 3-5 year minimum sentence for playing out of pocket.

2. Visit South Jersey

All the families who moved out of Philadelphia because the schools sucked, but couldn’t afford Doylestown, moved here. I’ve never really stepped foot in South Jersey except to buy weed in a strip mall parking lot, but people have told me that it’s completely irredeemable. South Jersey has the highest percentage of sub-prime lenders in the Philadelphia area. Combine that with rising fuel prices, and that area is going to resemble Road Warrior in a couple of years, just like many exurban neighborhoods across the country. The endless strip malls are going to be abandoned, and perhaps replaced with open air drug bazaars (you see my usage of ‘bazaar’? Why is it always ‘market’ and never ‘bazaar’? We wouldn’t need to fight the War on Drugs if we just called every drug corner a ‘bazaar’ and North Philly ‘little Istanbul’).

3. Atlantic City

The Tom Coughlin Giants have never covered at home against a team with a .500 record or above. Bet your remaining money on that.

4. Stetson Hat Company and Schmidts Brewing Company in Fishtown

Whole city communities used to be supported by manufacturing jobs. Both of these factories re-located to some useless Texas town years ago, probably to enjoy lower taxes. As a result, the surrounding neighborhoods went into decline. As we know, things go in cycles; it will eventually cost an arm and a leg to transport products across the country, and at that point these companies will wish they never re-located from the city.

Ultimately, this is the optimistic note I want to leave you all on. Our recession will hopefully move people back into a system self-sustaining cities with their own manufacturing bases. Our generation has already shown that they are sick of the suburbs and respect city life. The rest of the country will follow suit, and we’ll be living in a utopia of flying hydrogen cars, Facebook thought police, and forty-foot wide lazer-beam shooting big sunglasses. Hurrah!

Recession Related Activities in Philly Pt. 1

In case you haven’t noticed or anything, America is an a little bit of an economic pickle. With the subprime crisis, market crashes, inflation and the release of the latest gimmicky Magnetic Fields bore-fest (disclaimer: Never listened to em’), America will never be the same after 1/22.

It’s a shame that our long period of prosperity will end. Yes; that long stretch of prosperity that lasted a whole three years, sandwiched in-between the post-9/11 tech bubble recession from 2001-2004 and the one we have now. In fact, amazingly enough, if you look at economic periods over the course of United States history, you will see a constantly revolving motion, or ‘cycle’ if you will, of upturns and downturns! Wow! With this historical evidence, how could anyone see this current crash happening?

Unfortunately, many pundits are saying that this crash could be the big one. In fact, it’s going to be like that movie ‘Perfect Storm’: Terrible. Whether this crash will be bigger than 1907, 1929, or 1987, nobody knows as of yet.

Left-wing pundits are saying that this crash will reveal some ugly truths that our establishment won’t want to face: Namely, that the economic downturn, combined with high oil prices and diminishing fossil fuels, will end suburban life as we know it.
This sounds pretty bad, doesn’t it? Nonetheless, whether or not the U.S. recovers without total collapse, like post 9/11, or whether we are headed for depression-like conditions, it is worth it to compile a list of activities to engage in Philadelphia that are recession related. We are talking about ‘recession’ in the barest sense of the word; literally a part of American culture that has ‘receded’ to the dustbin of history. Because if we are to believe that suburban life is to be altered forever, then why not look at aspects of Philadelphia life and culture that have disappeared due to extenuating economic factors, and combine this with what we think will disappear in the coming decades? This list won’t be pessimistic at all!

Our compilation will be available for you tomorrow, whether you, I, or any of our friends are laid off or not.

In honor MLK day, top five movies about black people told through the eyes of white men

1. Glory























The story of an all-black regiment in the civil war, BUT WHO WILL LEAD THEM AND TELL THEIR STORY?! Thankfully, the not-miscast-at-all Matthew Broderick bravely takes on the role of regimental CO. Broderick's character is a brilliant tactician, having effectively played dead in Antietam in the opening scene of the movie. Unfortunately, that type of behavior is frowned upon by military leaders as 'cowardice' (to quote David Brent: "Guilty! Get a new rule book! Alright.").

Ultimately, Broderick gets his shot at redemption by heroically leading the regiment into battle against a heavily fortified Confederate position, giving his life in the process. The last shot of the movie focuses on Broderick's lifeless corpse being rolled into a burial ditch by confederate soldiers; a symbolic representation of the ultimate sacrifice given for freedom and country.

Also starring Denzel Washington and Morgan Freeman.

2. Glory Road
























The story of the all-black starting five on the NCAA championship winning 1966 Texas Western Miners, BUT WHO WILL LEAD THEM?! Perfectly-quiff'ed whitey Don Haskins, that's who. Throughout the movie, Haskins faces many harrowing obstacles thrown upon him for coaching a predominantly black team: His wife gets invited to less cocktail parties. His children get teased at school. Other coaches probably think a little less of him, but there is no way for him to truly know because most of the comments are shamefully made behind his back.

Thankfully, Coach Haskins is able to overcome these obstacles and lead his team by spewing a bunch of typical sports movie BS about 'coming together' and 'taking that one shot'. These movie coaches need better speech writers.


3. Last King of Scotland













Idi Amin was a fascinating historical figure who led a life that could spawn a million tales. That said, WHO IS THE WHITE MAN THAT CAN TELL HIS STORY?! Thankfully, some skinny Scotsman, whose name I'm not even going to research, decides to go to Africa after getting his medical degree. Mr. genius Scotsman doesn't even bother to do his homework before going to Uganda, as he finds out there is a coup in progress after he lands in the country. Despite this basic dumbassery, however, he somehow finds his way into Amin's inner-circle. In the end , though, this blue-eyed beanpole is 'only one' to discover Amin's horrors. After realizing Amin's abuses, he does the brave thing and skips out of the country. No wonder Scotland has never won anything.


4. Round Midnight.

















A movie about a jazz musician in Paris as told by a white Frenchman. I was the only one who saw this movie.



5. Dangerous Minds/Freedom Writers/The Substitute

BUT WHO WILL TEACH THEM!?

Vacation season is over...Thank god

In the Leonardo DiCaprio movie The Beach, there is a scene in the end where a character says something along the lines of "paradise is a state of mind, not a place". I don't know any exact details of the scene, because I've never seen the movie. In fact, the only basis I have for thinking that line exists is through a review by a user named "utahamaroo" on the Okayplayer message board eight years ago. This particular user believed that a biological agent should be created to eliminate Caucasians, but nonetheless enjoyed The Beach.

If you ever once talked about that 'beautiful' Moby song when The Beach came out, you had never heard downtempo music before, and I wanted to kill you at the time.





"Solomon, I think I'm seriously going to quit smoking"



Anyway, that line about paradise has struck close to home recently. I've taken a lot of vacations lately: Baltimore for Christmas, New York for New Years, and the Bahamas last week. I've found out that I end up missing Philly each time. In fact, I would kill somebody if I had to take another fucking vacation within the next few months.

No offense to all of those who I visited or travelled with during these vacations, but I have no need to 'escape' Philly right now. There is absolutely nothing to escape from.

Let's look at the advantages:

-*COMMENTS ABOUT JOB DELETED*

-I live in an apartment that's relatively cheap, has abundant food options that are a five minute walk away in any direction, and is located right in center city.

-Grad is school is shaping up to be both a joke and informative.

-I have friends spread out in different social groups, which is perfect for right now: all of the fun, none of the reputation-crippling gossip.

-Without turning this into a live journal post, life with the womens is satisfactory.

With all of this said, I don't give a toss about visiting some beach and drinking pina coladas. In Philly, I'm in a paradisaical state of mind. Cold? I'll just drink more. Bored? I'll waive my moratorium on weed smoking, or perhaps go back to the gym (lol). Dumped? I'll drink more. Fired? Basically impossible even if I tried.

I feel arrogant about my situation in Philly, and I have every right to: It was my goddamned decision to move here on a whim. That whim was a night of blow with a couple of art school girls in August of 2005, which included overrated live indie bands, spin the bottle, a free jazz jam, and Ryan jumping into the Schykill river at 7 am. It's those kinds of experiences that cause people to say, "I want to move here!", not 'getting a new job' or some bullshit like that. What are you? Upper middle class??

On a more serious note, it feels good for once to not beleive the grass is greener on the other side. It's like catching lightning in a bottle in a sense, and can't be expected to last. Nonetheless, location plays an important part in the process. I've said before that Philly is a perfect tweener city, one where you can know all the angles but not play them, or play all the angles but not know them. It's a city of experiments, with little self-importance in play. How can anyone take themselves seriously here? No one cares about Philly! People from the outside talk about the place like it's shrouded in perpetual darkness, with maurading bands of mongoloid criminals and a decaying rocky statue on every corner. Did you know that Eagles fans once booed santa clause? Frankly, I hope the ignorance sustains itself.

So, I don't need a beach to let loose. You can also take your "big apple" and eat it. Wow! New York has a lot of bars and skyscrapers and stuff! You can't find that stuff anywhere else!

Oh, I forgot: Lou Reed. He inspired a generation of rock critics. Congrats, NYC.

If only you could follow my example, you would set free*







*I hope you are heavily subsidized by your parents.

Upon Further Reflection: Three Days in Columbus

There's a time when Columbus would have been in the running for a chapter in The Tweener's Guide to Cities You'd Never Want to Visit, and it probably still would be, except that now I have a friend living there - what up L-town! - who can parse the charming hicks from the regular hicks. (There are people in Ohio named Horn, btw.) This probably would have been a more exciting recap if I'd written it Friday morning when I was still drunk from Ladies' 80s, but I'll see what I can do. For the time being, just add a "/I was super drunk." on to the end of every sentence, clause, word. You can mix it up for preference or effect however you'd like i.e. the girls were extra slutty/I was pished.

Anyway, on Thursdays we went to a party at a bar called Scully's that looks small from the outside. Ladies 80s is really a fantastic idea that all cities and towns should adopt. They play all the hits from the 80s that you won't remember in the morning and girls get in free whether they're trashy or classy! (I assume the latter.) They have a dance floor, then another raised dance floor, and that dance floor has a ledge you can lean on once you realize it was a bad idea - KEY. Bonus, as soon as you enter some guy buys you two big old red bull vodkas and even throws in a little flattery to boot. Needless to say, I was riding high on Ohio around 1 AM Friday morning. Well, maybe not me, but a little guy I like to call my autopilot, or superconscious - although that term is wholly inaccurate. On the way home I trashed a gyro and yelled in some Brits window who live downstairs. The next day they said they were heavy sleepers but I think they just didn't want to mess with Texas. Can't blame 'em since I've been telling people that I'm working out again.

Friday, someone had a room at a Hilton where we swindled a bigger room, put a bunch of beers in a bathtub, blew a ton of adderall, smoked a hog's rod of cigarettes, corrupted some poor kid security guard, and took two hours to decide not to go swimming. It seems stupid now, but it feels pretty amazing to roll up on a confused Shiva store clerk and say "Three packs Marlboro Red, three packs Parliament, three packs Camel."

Saturday, we hurt like a combination of Pedro Romero after Robert Cohn beat his ass and Jake Barnes after he lost his cock in the war, so we smoked some trees and watched fifteen episodes of the X-Files.

So, in conclusion:
COLUMBUS FTW

The boss is out of town....time for a clip show

Scott sent us an email last week, declaring:

THE TWEENER ANNOUNCES STAR POSTER OF THE WEEK: Scott.

What a fucking bastard. But seriously, I must admit that he's done a fairly decent job keeping me entertained for about 1.5 minutes/day with his little tweener (that's what she said lololol). My favorite moments:

1. Dealers where R U?
This isn't even one of Scott's posts, but whatever. This entry meant a lot to me for two reasons. First, the notion of stooping to the lowest lows for a dimebag is one all of us scumbags in the world can relate to. And second, the mention of "Watch Out For the Big Girl," which is one of the greatest Baltimore club hits of all time and always makes me want to go out and gain 100 pounds.

2. Marijuana Bust: Ways of Combating the Anxiety High
I found it really helpful to print this post, laminate it and carry it in my wallet at all times. So whenever I find myself "too high" I can whip out this easy reference and determine my next course of action. I'll go ahead and add "making out" and "public transportation" to the list of activities to avoid.

3. The Tweener takes on the "news"
I think I liked this one so much because it made me feel much better about myself. Sort of like watching Intervention or reading Dear Abby. So what if I'm "blowing a 47 year old" for a "bowlpack"? (see #1) At least I'm not a liar and a fraud. Edit: At least I'm not a fraud.

4. This roach infestation kind of reminds me of GangStarr, Pt. 2
Wtf?! was my first thought, but he really managed to pull it all together by the end there. I imagine Scott found himself amusing with the As for Guru, his solo career reminds me of the roaches in my room. Sure, they can survive on food crumbs and jazzamatazz albums, but as soon as my cat runs into the room (Rakim anyone?), they scatter away OUT OF RESPECT final thought.

5. Out of nowhere, a dating advice post
I'll be honest, I didn't even finish reading this one. As soon as I got to "dick-flavored ice cream" I immediately got in the car and raced to 7-11.