Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Dealers where R U?

Man, back in college, I didn't know how sweet I had it.

I hear this phrase a lot, almost always in the context of women, and I guess it's true in that sense, at least in terms of raw numbers (although I'll take the lower frequency in exchange for twenty-something girls generally not being fish stix in bed), but this old saying really hits the money when it comes to the drugs. Back in school, I couldn't make a court appearance without getting high beforehand. I had three losers and one jam band on call right when my day ended at 11 AM. You thought you didn't have a coke habit senior year? Maybe you were just blacked out. But now that everyone has a fancy job and self-respect, I can't find even a damn nickel-bag to save my life, and I'm trying, hard. There are four things you can try to do that probably won't work to find some trees:

1. Walk in circles in black neighborhoods

This method used to work wonders for me. When I moved back to Philly three summers ago, I didn't have any "friends," my roommates didn't "like" me, so my only recourse was to walk as slowly as possible to the six-pack store and try to make eye contact with every shady guy I passed. This is a dangerous game, mind you. Your body language has to somehow scream addiction rather than sexual perversion. I can't explain how it's done, you'll just have to try it for yourself. You might even make some friends. I named a championship fantasy football team after one. Another taught me new respect for seminal club hit "Watch Out For the Big Girl" and to not hold back when you see that big lady walking down the other side of the street. Just yell that shit. Loud and Proud. They love it. The downside of this method is that the weed will suck. Don't even try the coke. Also, no matter how cool you think you are with your blunt buddy, one of these days he's taking your ten bucks and never coming back.

2. The chill middle-aged woman at your job

She hits the bong and everybody knows it. How would this conversation go? "Soo... totally off the record from work and all, and if this is out-of-line, just tell me and I apologize in advance, but I can't seem to find any pot anywhere and I was wondering if maybe you could help me out?" I don't know. I don't think I have the balls.

3. Your little brother

This is a low. My little brother likes me. He thinks I'm as cool as I know I am but other people are too dumb to realize. He likes when I have him come into the city and get him bombed. That time he came back from Geno's and I had thrown up all over the couch, I think it somehow raised my stature in his eyes. There's really no turning back from flipping the script like this and revealing to him that really I don't know anyone and they only come to our parties out of pity. Too late. Turns out his dealer got arrested or some shit.

4. Text and MySpace messaging every damn person you know

Get back at me already, plz.


Sue Funke said...

I like the fact that you'll scream it out that you need it to total strangers, yet you don't have enough balls to approach the middle aged woman you know.

Ryan said...

It's more the workplace thing than either her age or womanliness, but yeah. As far as the blog, I've got plausible deniability.

Anonymous said...

did you ever find one? i just moved to philly and i'm in dire