Friday, January 4, 2008

CNN's Guide to Covering the Iowa Caucuseses

Point of Emphasis 1: Analysts

All of em; as many as you can find of varied pigment concentration and jaw strength. Four for every anchor, including but not limited to one bow-tie, one wheelchair/palsy case, two nappy headed hos, Taylor Nichols and three Harvard boys (can we get M.I.A?). Arranged in sets of three or four around tables conveniently arranged so Wolf Blitzer or Anderson Cooper can navigate among them asking the same questions. Two out of three should be young and/or dim-witted making the esteemed third seem wise in comparison. Bill Bennett is not to be cut off.

Point of Emphasis 2: Pie Charts

Specifically, computer-generated 3-D pie charts that spring awkwardly from a card-board contraption that Anderson Cooper can try to hold in a way that doesn't obscure the important analysts and still say, "Soloman Flores," - a woman - "your opinions?" and ignore the answer. It's important that the 3-D pie chart doesn't have more information than the regular pie chart because people might get confused. When the 3-D chart is unavailable, resort to two dimensions or one (via coaxial cable/stormtroopers).

Point of Emphasis 3: Explain the Explanations

When people think of caucuses, they think of bugs. Break it down for them. If a candidate doesn't receive 15% of the original caucus vote, those voters have to pick another candidate to give their vote to. NOT EASY ENOUGH. Think of the votes as chips, or "quarter-widgets", in a pool from which qualified Americans can cast or allocate their vote to said chosen candidate as long as they oscillate above the threshold of eligibility whereupon if they fall short, our gambling Democrats or Republicans, depending, must re-up in the direction of an eligible Trung Canidate, whose promise for the Saint Louis Rams in the 2002 campaign was never realized in further pursuits but whose Madden rating can be boosted if enough "Superstar points" are allocated forthwith.

Point of Emphasis 4: Call the Under-dog Candidates "Insurgents"

Keeps everyone on their toes.

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