Friday, December 7, 2007

Jocelyn Kirsch and Pole-Vaulting

That last thing I want to do is attract more googlers, who have come to my site looking for info on this now nationally-known scandel and then leave without even clicking on one of the dozens of other posts that have covered something other than their klepto, boring-ass former friends from high school/college. As per usual, there are dozens of facebook groups being started so every nitwit who so much as made eye-contact with one of the perpetrators can provide some useless personal anecdote in hopes of getting a reporter to interview them. My favorites are always the ones like this: "I knew Eddie, I was on the swim team with him. This is crazy, I hope whatever happens will straighten him out". Hey broseph, why don't you just encode a spam-bot to write your post if your gonna be so generic? At least there'll be the possibility that your bot will be selling adderall.

So anyway, I'd like to commend Jocelyn Kirsch on concocting an awesome lie that raised my respect for her big-time: The tale of her being an olympic pole-vaulter. The inquirer took the article down for some reason, but Jocelyn Kirsch supposedly told everyone that she qualified for 2004 Athens olympics as a vaulter. She even posted a muddled facebook picture of her scaling an olympic height, when the person clearly wasn't her.

The reality was that Kirsch only vaulted for about a year. It is appropriate that she was a vaulter, as it fits her character perfectly in the context of track & field: Pole-vaulters are the moneyed gentry of track. They lie down on a padded mat all practice long catching a sun tan, only interrupting things for an occasional "run-through". Meanwhile, the 4 by 800 team is vomiting up their lunch after the twelfth interval.

I ain't mad at her for lying, though, because as a former pole-vaulter, I exaggerated my exploits quite a bit too. For example, I told everyone in college that my personal best was 11'6' to get laid, when in fact it was and even 11'. I also bragged about finishing third in the Maryland private school school championships of 99', making it sound extremely impressive, when in fact there were only about twelve teams competing in the whole thing, and only five of them had pole-vaulters.

Hey, high-school friends, remember when I came home from the Annapolis relays with a gold medal and a first place finish? Remember how much we were celebrating?

What I neglected to mention was that me and my two teammates finished first as a vaulting TEAM, and the only reason we won is because every other team got disqualified on the opening height. In essence, we won without even doing anything except clearing the opening height of 8'6'; a height so low that even Thom Yorke could dunk on it.

That was the first pop-culture joke of the Tweener. I pray to God it'll be the last.

In conclusion, us pole-vaulters really like to get high (ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Snaps!). Getting so high causes us to exaggerate the truth. In the end, however, Jocelyn Kirsch had the ambition not just to add six inches to her personal best (breasts), but also claim that she competed in the olympics, steal other's identities, and go wherever the hell she pleased. Meanwhile, the rest of us pole-vaulters are left to history's cruel whims, banished to a life of counseling at Lebanon, PA summer camps and high-school track & field assistant coach jobs.


Ryan said...


Anonymous said...

I will not concur on it. I regard as warm-hearted post. Specially the designation attracted me to study the sound story.

Anonymous said...

Genial dispatch and this mail helped me alot in my college assignement. Thank you on your information.

Anonymous said...

I am reading this article second time today, you have to be more careful with content leakers. If I will fount it again I will send you a link

Anonymous said...

This is my first visit here, but I will be back soon, because I really like the way you are writing, it is so simple and honest

Anonymous said...


When ever I surf on web I come to this website[url=].[/url]Lots of good information here Frankly speaking we really do not pay attention towards our health. Here is a fact for you. Recent Research displays that closely 90% of all USA grownups are either obese or weighty[url=].[/url] Therefore if you're one of these citizens, you're not alone. Its true that we all can't be like Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, and have sexy and perfect six pack abs. Now the question is how you are planning to have quick weight loss? [url=]Quick weight loss[/url] is not like piece of cake. You need to improve some of you daily habbits to achive weight loss in short span of time.

About me: I am writer of [url=]Quick weight loss tips[/url]. I am also health expert who can help you lose weight quickly. If you do not want to go under painful training program than you may also try [url=]Acai Berry[/url] or [url=]Colon Cleansing[/url] for effective weight loss.

Anonymous said...

Hello there! This post could not be written any better!
Reading through this post reminds me of my
good old room mate! He always kept chatting about this.

I will forward this page to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read.
Thank you for sharing!
Here is my site - Ultra Slim Patch Reviews

Anonymous said...

We are a bunch of volunteers and starting a brand new scheme in our community.
Your site offered us with useful info to work on.
You have done a formidable process and our whole community shall be grateful to you.
Also visit my website ; Lean Muscle Formula Reviews

Anonymous said...

Simply wish to say your article is as amazing. The clarity in your post
is just nice and i could assume you are an expert on
this subject. Well with your permission allow me to grab your feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post.
Thanks a million and please keep up the enjoyable
Have a look at my site :: Mitoslim examen

Anonymous said...

I don't know if it's just me or if everybody else encountering problems with your site.
It seems like some of the written text on your content
are running off the screen. Can someone else please comment and let me know if this is happening to them too?
This could be a issue with my internet browser because I've had this happen previously. Thank you
my page - Muscle Maximizer

Anonymous said...

Hi, this weekend is fastidious for me, because this time i am reading this enormous educational
paragraph here at my house.
My weblog easy weightloss

Anonymous said...

My sis informed me about your website and the way nice it is.
She’s proper, I'm actually impressed with the writing and slick design. It appears to me you’re simply scratching the floor by way of what you possibly can accomplish, but you’re off to an important start!

my website how to increase chances of Getting pregnant