Thursday, November 8, 2007

A celebration of unemployment: Part 1, the resume

On Tuesday, I took a day off from work to interview people for one of my journalism classes. Since my interview fell through, I had a whole day to experience one of my favorite pastimes: Being unemployed. Since I graduated college in 04', I've developed a fairly decent unemployment resume:

Jobless Associate, Brooklyn, NY, August 04-early November 04
When I graduated in late May of 04, I made a half-assed decision to move to New York a week later and "I don't know, get a job in publishing or something". Unless you are completely ignorant, you can understand that is a terrible strategy. Unfortunately, I didn't sleep with anyone who could get me a job, and after the last temp assignment ended in August, it was a whole lot of nothing for an entire Fall before I moved back home to Baltimore (which only lasted a day before I got a job in DC. Remember that kiddies, you can get work in DC, that's why people actually live there.)

Unemployed Coordinator, Hyattsville, MD, February 2006-March 2006
Otherwise known at the "roaring 20s" of my unemployment experience, this stint in the DC suburb was awash in cash and decadence. After quitting my job on good terms, I took a step back, looked at my bank account and realized, "holy shit! my company forgot to deduct income taxes, possibly out of sheer incompetence!". I figured it was only a matter of time before the feds came after me, so I commenced to spending that money. you can guess what followed:

-Gambling binges in Atlantic City.
-Completely unnecessary deluxe suite at the Four Seasons hotel in Philly for Saint Paddy's day 06.
-An authentic Ed Reed jersey for my then-roommate Owen in compensation for stealing his adderrall to facilitate said gambling binges.
-Actually buying the paintings of friends.
-Possibly the most wasteful use of money in recorded history: Amtrak tickets.

To top it all off, I managed to secure a good job amidst all of this. After getting the job, however, things were more close to the vest. The lesson I take from that experience is this: If you ever have enough disposable cash to get an Acela Express roundtrip ticket, savor the moment.

Shitcanned Director, Philadelphia, September 06-November 06
Ah hem....That job I just mentioned that I got in March of 06? I did little except surf gridskipper until they fired me, but they were also a terrible company to work for and I apologize for nothing. I actually don't need to apologize anyway, because the guy who fired me is dead. How's your attempt to blackball me going in hell? bwahahahahahah.

Anyway, while the Hyatsville unemployment experience was fast and decadent, the Philly one was that of a wizened unemployment veteran taking his sweet time before going back to the world. Typical voicemail messages: "Hey Scott, we want you to interview to be part of this biz dev team"...NOPE. "Hey Scott, we have a Sales Associate position open"...NOPE. I also turned the tables on employers in the few interviews I did go to, asking them what kind of performance measures they had in place. You should've seen their startled faces.

The above paragraph was a total lie.

Eventually, I used this unemployment experience to apply to journalism school and settle on the job with the best payment-to-easy-work ratio.

Tomorrow: Diary of the unemployed.

1 comment:

Lindsay said...

I like this one Scott. I hope your interviews fall through more often. I had forgotten how accomplished you are.