Friday, November 9, 2007

Diary of the unemployed

9:30 am: Woken up by alarm, which you set for 9:30 because it is not too early, and not too late to make you look lazy. Plus; it gives you ample time to apply for jobs. The clock is placed far away from your bed to ensure you will have to get up to turn it off.

9:32 am: Finally succeed in making it over to the alarm to turn it off so you can go back to sleep.

10:37 am: Begrudgingly get up.

10:51 am: Make pot of coffee, and commence with the best part of your day: The first cigarette. It is savored because all subsequent cigarettes bring diminishing returns, or because you can't afford another pack.

11:01 am: With cup of coffee, surf the following websites if football season is going on:,,,, and your team's website.

If football season is not going on: (for other sports), (in case there is an offseason article), (for other sports), and the following Gawker related sites: Gawker, wonkette, gridskipper, and deadspin (again). Also, take a look at Slate to get "real" news.

12:11 pm: Hunger calls. If you have ramen or easy mac at the house, eat it. If not, take a shower.

12:33 pm: If in Philly or Brooklyn, leave apartment to go to corner deli and get a reuben sandwich. If in Hyattsville, hop in the car and go to California tortilla or some bullshit equivalent. Even though it is only a mile away, it will still take you an hour and a half.

1:01 pm: You are now faced with the classic choice of unemployment: Apply for jobs, or frantically search for your roommates weed that you know he is hiding from you.

1:28 pm: Hidden in the cat food bag! Score!

1:40 pm: Ahhh, now what to do with your high? Grant Theft Auto? Whit Stillman movies? A short story?

1:51 pm: Finally settle on what to do: Surf the same websites you did three hours ago for new content.

2:04 pm: After finishing reading, pace around for the next hour wondering what would have happened if you had actually taken that hot indian/asian/canadian/insert exotic ethnicity girl to your senior year halloween party.

3:00 pm: 4 and a half hours into your day and you haven't applied for a single job. Spend the next half hour wondering why you continue this pattern every day.

3:39 pm: Finally start looking at jobs on Monster and Craigslist.

3:56 pm: Find a decent position on Monster, but it requires a cover letter; a big turnoff.

5:15 pm: Finish cover letter and send.

5:45 pm: Roommate gets home and notices unfinished weed in the bowl you forgot to clear out. Lie your ass off and consider not packing so much next time.

Editors note: Apologies to my former roommates Brandon and Owen.

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