Friday, October 12, 2007

Female Tweeners

A few of our 100% x-chromosome readers have asked us to define a female tweener.

The definition is fairly simple: A female tweener is someone who is intelligent, has fairly good taste, but is not a scenester.

You may be thinking, "that's a pretty boring definition". To which I say, you're right; they are boring.

Just Fucking around.

Honestly though, if you want to break it down, do it by outward style first. Let's explore the WASP/hipster dichotomy:

WASP: Fake tans, pastel tank tops, flood pants blah blah blah. Pretty basic stuff. For the non-WASP male, the WASP female can either be ridiculously unattractive (the reasons usually start with a "fake" and end with a "tan"), or so unbearably attractive that all this guy wants to do is unhinge the shackles of status oppression and throw one in her for the universal rights of humanity. Something about a slight outward air of preppy snobishness will do this to you.

Hipster girl: accessories, accessories, accessories, big sunglasses, tattoos, little girl's dresses, stomach belts etc. Jesus, there is isn't a single redeemable thing on this list! Where are you all from, Japan?

Oh, and Tattoos: Not attractive under any circumstances. Artist's/hipster's love of tattoos are perhaps the stupidest thing about Philadelphia. I mean really stupid. I make two exceptions: contractors, and indie bands that have guitar solos. Otherwise, If you are reading this and have more than one tattoo (you get a pass for one bad decision), you are stupid for at least one day and I'm sure as shit not apologizing to you if you see me at a party. Stop fetishizing the working class that you have nothing in common with. They hate you. I hate you. And if you ever met this guy, you'd embarrassed about who your arm scribblings have bonded you with.

What were we talking about again? Female tweens??

Ok: Female tweens dress fairly unpretentiously and are very pleasant beyond an initial stand-offish demeanor. They're a little bit confused about who they are, but at least know exactly who they aren't. They can be either wild or a dead fish in bed. If you find a female tween who is single, you better get at that with the quickness, because guys of all backgrounds recognize their relative lack of craziness, and will line up to get them.

To all the female tweens out there: Neutral Milk Hotel's "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" is pretty overrated.

1 comment:

hinder90 said...

"Tweener" refers to an age group, specifically, the in-between generation, currently in their 20's. It is something that came out of MTV/Hollywood marketing culture. Of course, this is how it originally entered the vernacular, latest perversions of the expression aside.