1060 First Avenue, Suite 100
King of Prussia, PA 19406
Offer Letter: Business Development Associate
Congratulations and welcome to Beyond.com! As a newly hired Business Development Associate, you'll be responsible for leading some exciting new initiatives that we'll make up as we go along. As one of Philadelphia Magazine's top places to work in the greater Philadelphia area, you'll have an exciting opportunity to work in one the most relaxed and progressive business environments in the country!
By all means, take a tour of our office and acclimate yourself with your surroundings. You notice how we don't use cubicles in our office? This is because we encourage the lines of communications to be open between our employees. We believe that creativity should be fostered, and not stifled by oppressive cubicles! By the way, when you walked past these desks, did you notice anyone surfing the internet? Is Greg from accounting on Idolator again? If so, please report this to HR or your supervisor. Surfing the internet on company time is unacceptable, and we encourage our employees to report inappropriate behavior. Wait a minute; is Katya from marketing using a google search? I can't see how this "google" relates to anything we do. Changes must be made.
While touring our office, you'll also notice our 'game' room complete with air hockey and a Nintendo Wii. We at Beyond.com actually like to call this game room the 'scorcher', because anyone caught in this room during business hours will be fired. The game room is only acceptable to use when emissaries from the press are visiting.
Finally, your last stop on our tour will be the kitchen. Did you notice that we keep the kitchen fully stocked? We here at Beyond.com like to take care of our employees in case they forget to bring their lunch. With that said, why did you forget your lunch?! Attention to detail in your position is critical, and forgetting your lunch sends the wrong message to the rest of the company about your capabilities.
Whew! I'm sure you had a lot to take in there. Here is your desk. Please sit and look busy while we figure out what your position is, who hired you, and what work they wanted you to start with. As you can see, we're expanding so fast that we are getting ahead of ourselves!
You aren't looking busy enough. Remember, as your supervisor, you are supposed to look busy so I can tell the CEO that our team is busy, so he'll be satisfied, because there are no performance measures here! Hurrah for our laid back atmosphere!
P.S. Look busy all the time, but don't look busy when the press is here. Instead, play a game of frisbee with the webmaster from accross the office.
P.P.S. You're fired.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007